Leaders Don't Bully

Many months ago, a person from another team at my company asked for some time to talk. He asked about my onboarding process when I bring on a new direct report, and to what extent his team’s area of focus was accounted for in my onboarding plans. Part of his team’s goal was to increase awareness of certain compliance-related matters across the organization, hence his interest here. He gave me some things to consider to beef up my onboarding, and we agreed to touch base later. Life happened after that - we didn’t talk.

In grand total we’ve likely talked for 30 minutes in the 2 years I’ve known this person. That meeting was probably 20 minutes of it up to this point.

Two weeks ago, he requested a few minutes on my calendar. I thought it must be to follow-up on our conversation from months back. Our meeting began. We made some small talk before I asked what was on his mind, thinking he’d ask if I could share any progress since last we spoke.

“I’m leaving the company, and I wanted you to know.”

We’re talking over a video conference. I can tell that he struggled with the decision to leave, or even with the decision of what to say to me about it. I want to be careful. I tell him that it sounds like a tough decision that he’s made, and asked if he wanted to tell me more about it.

His manager had berated him for silly reasons in front of others, and he’s seen that manager do it to other people in front of him. Apparently this has happened multiple times - his manager was a bully. In this person’s eyes, the manager was a horrible leader, as he abused his position to humiliate others, thinking that’s what a manager is supposed to do.

This was heartbreaking to me to hear, as you never want to lose a good person for such a reason. I had to think quickly on the best way to respond. I want to be empathetic. I am aware I’m hearing one side of a story. I resolved to just listen. I told him that felt like a rough situation to be in. I told him I’m not really sure what I could do about it, that it sounded like he’s made his decision, and I noted that he made a point to reach out to me, so I wondered out loud if he was expecting anything from me.

The response I got, I’m embarrassed to admit, was one of the greatest compliments as a leader that I’ve ever gotten. Certainly in the last few years. And I’m embarrassed because here this guy is, having given his notice to leave the company because he has a rotten manager, and I’m sitting on the other side of the screen getting hit with a compliment.

He said no, he doesn’t expect me to do anything. He wanted me to know that he saw me in meetings, the way I encouraged questions, the way I encouraged people to learn from each other, and he said that was the kind of leader he wanted to work with. And then we met and talked one day, and I actually listened to his feedback, welcomed it even, and he was grateful for the respect in the interaction. And then here he is leaving because his own manager didn’t have those attributes, and he wanted to leave the company to go work for a better leader.

I didn’t know the impression I’d left.

The next day on the news, I see a clip of Zelensky getting bullied by the US President and Vice President in the Oval Office. Practically the same behavior my coworker described of his bullying manager, demonstrating to the world what lack of leadership they have, and what level-headedness Zelensky is showing.

I don’t have anything to add regarding that, it’s just that it was the follow-up observation after the video call with that coworker, that reminded me of what leadership is, and what it wasn’t. And I guess I’m allowing myself a little credit that I’ve showed leadership to someone, and that I made a difference. It wasn’t with media in the Oval Office, it was just a conversation on a video call, but it meant the world to me, and I suppose it meant something to him, too.

When my time comes to retire, and I’m reflecting over my career, I think this conversation with this person I barely knew is going to be one of those things that have stuck with me - that I will be proud of being that person, of being the leader that person aspired to be and to work for again one day.